Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
