I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
