I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I have tasted many bathrooms
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
