Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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