The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
organizing the empties. That sober.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
