I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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