I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
