he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
