but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
