we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
