My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
