If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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