I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
