I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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