I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
