My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
