I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
