Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
she peed on how many people?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
