remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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