he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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