My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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