I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
