I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
