God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
