I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
