I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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