There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
