am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
