im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
