dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
