she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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