you win again, gameday.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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