The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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