I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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