But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
