What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
