I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
