Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
