if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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