Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
