dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
