we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
