My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
