life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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