she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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