med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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