It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
