So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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