Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
