i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
