tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
