I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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