She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
