The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
