6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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