HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
