if i can run in heels then i can drive
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
