wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
