I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Dicks are not precious.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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