my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
