Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
