So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
