are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
