Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
