Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
this hospital has no fireball
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize